here was a sudden cry as the blade slid in home. His eyes were bulged at the unexpected pain. His grip on the handle tightened and held the katana in place. Suddenly he coughed and felt blood escape his lips. He relaxed… His eyes were downcast, thoughtful and infinitely sad. His knee’s buckled under the weight of his dying body.
He remembered her smile. That angelic smile, so beautiful and free, and the way the sunlight shone through the window outlining her in glittering gold. The way she was laughing with infinite joy. The way she made him believe that love was for him. The way she made him whole, real and happy.
‘Thank you,” he said trying his best to return that smile so long past. Then, falling down, he lay there and let the darkness take him and finally free him.
* * *
His eyes glazed over as he watched the blood flow. He still had no idea why he began this again. He’d started pursuing his goal carrier finally. Not really the hours or the company he had hoped for however he knew it was a start. His dreams were still filled with stories set in his high school years. He didn’t have much to do with anyone his own age and his old friends had little to do with him. If not dreams of that, they were about her. A girl he had never really met but known for a very long time. He loved her in his own peculiar way. A love that he would never really admit to being that it was an internet relationship. How pathetic he thought dismissively as he watched the light flash against the bloodied knife.
It wasn’t deep enough to concern himself with he concluded as he cleaned the blood of his arm. The knife he used was hanging back on the wall in his bedroom having already sterilized and cleaned that too. The feeling was still there.. That void where his feelings should have been. The blood wasn’t enough.. Perhaps he should dig deeper he thought to himself. He switched of the bathroom light and returned to his room.. The monitor was the only light to guide his way. He sat himself in his desk chair and looked to see if anyone was online.. She wasn’t there again he thought…
Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Life went on despite his wishes and he continued to live an existence he didn’t particularly care for. He was settled into work now and accustomed to traveling alone on the bus early each morning. He’d even gotten a pay rise making enough of a living to actually consider living. Living at home didn’t really cost a lot of money so he had to plot what to do with all his savings.
He was lonely, however far from desperate. He had certain issues that stood between allowing himself to come closer to love. The first most apparent was his fear of intimate touch. He kept a record to himself how many days he could go without any sort of contact. Sometimes weeks would pass before someone would get a little close on the bus and nudge against him. He’d met someone who would often force him into psychical contact. Sarah knew enough about him to know it was a weakness and decided to exploit it at every chance. She was a friendly young girl with tender eyes that befit a caring demeanor.
He shared with her a lot of his thoughts but couldn’t understand a lot of her feelings for what they were.
Still, they spent many an evening together as he tried to accustom himself to what it was like to be in female company. She was always cross at him for his somewhat dark habits and he did his best to keep that side of him from her.
Still, her company came at a cost. A young girl spending so much time with a young man and people’s suspicions are always flared. Nothing would ever happen however, the years that separated them were too great. He’d met her when she was 14 and he was 18. Although later in life 4 years doesn’t account for much at those tender years 4 years is a void rarely crossed. To him, those years meant a moral boundary however to her she couldn’t understand his reservations and her crush corrupted and complicated their relationship.
His friend didn’t share that morality. He’d already tried to hit on her when she’d visited him to her peril. Thomas had always come on too strongly and the young Sarah felt threatened by his unyielding attempts. Despite his misgivings he proved a good and loyal friend one who would stay with him up until the end. He felt that deep down Thomas was a decent guy, at least he hoped.
It was Thomas who suggested to him a way in which to deal with his problem. That is, to do everything for the girl. Never the less, practical experience always helped in any situation which is why he decided to visit a club late one night. Having aborted cutting he was alone walking at night when he saw a cab drive past advertising the Doll House Gentlemen’s club. His attention spiked, he immediately went home and drove to Thomas’s house and convinced him to accompany him to Perth.
The club was well furbished and had a comfortable atmosphere almost as if it were truly a ‘gentleman’s’ club.
The two young men found themselves a comfortable couch out of the way of the hustle and bustle of the main area and watched the on goings of the club. Numerous girls walked past in lacy outfits. His poor friend whom was never a great at disguising his attentions found himself harassed by many a girl whom practically ignored Bradley. It was something he didn’t mind too much and finally, a young Chinese girl persisted and dragged Thomas off for a private show in the back rooms. Bradley found himself alone on a couch with a young woman sitting on the armchair across from his friend’s vacated seat.
He decided to give her a little space and moved over more against his own armchair. Noticing the action, the girl turned to him and spoke to him.
“Am I crowding you?”
Abashed, he replied ‘I thought you might want some space”
She smiled, and continued to study him. He couldn’t quite meet her eyes so instead focused on the vacated seat to show her she had his full attention until finally she asked.
“Would you like some company?”
He didn’t really know how to reply. The moments of awkward silence seemed to stretch on but she remained patient and vigil while awaiting his answer. To end the silence, finally he muttered, ‘I Don’t know’
Confused she queried again not too sure what to make of his reply.
“I really don’t know sorry,” he said with forced confidence.
She introduced herself as April. He smiled weakly and replied with his own name. They spoke conversationally and gradually she slipped into the vacated seat next to him during the course of the conversation. He relaxed into her company stealing peaks of her eyes between nervous rushed glances. April was a Caucasian girl, milky white perfect skin, black soft hair and dark alluring eyes. She seemed to wear a noticeable amount of make up but not overdoing it like so many others do. Her voice was friendly, encouraging and warm. He welcomed her company, even though he was unable to express it. As they talked, she told him that her act was up next but she was uncertain at which to choose as a costume.
Cat Woman, or School girl
Bradley’s mind screamed school girl, but he held back his enthusiasm and as if uncaring told her that his friend would very much like the school girl. She smiled to herself knowingly.
Soon, she left to prepare and his friend returned from his private show somewhat disappointed. His 15 mins seemed more like 10 and the girl didn’t really give him much a show for his money. She was a nimble oriental with a short statute and fairy average features. She wasn’t really attractive at all which led to suggest she pretty much fed of the Asian fetish a lot of men would process.
April had made Bradley promise to go front stage and watch her show declaring that people typically don’t go up front. He found this questionable being who wouldn’t want to get closer to a girl such as her and in the end turned out her worries were for naught. When things started to move along Bradley and Thomas quickly took up seats around the front stage and before long all the seats around them were filled with anxious hungry men.
When she came out she was wearing the school girl uniform as she had promised, white shirt with small back tie, short cardigan skirt with socks that climbed up to her knees and some weird black hat. With her eyes not directly on him so Bradley was able to study her features in an effort to burn them into memory. She really was alluring, seductive and confident, she knew what the men wanted and played to it. As he watched her eyes, he made his discission, it would be April that he would ask for a ‘private’ show.
*editors note, at some stage I dropped the context*
Finally, joining the podium with April on I had the chance to talk to her again, you know, as she was sitting on top of me.. err..
She asked me if I liked her show, its strange, she seems completely different when she talks. On stage she has this aura that makes her unreachable, but when she talks to me she feels almost like a friend. I told her I had found 50 dollars. She concluded that it meant that I wanted a ‘private show’ to which I concurred solemnly. After her next show she hunted me down. I watched her look around confused, it seemed she really was popular cause she had about 3 different job requests she postponed. When she finally spotted me I pretended to be preoccupied staring off into space. I asked her, if it were possible to have a drink prior. IE. Talk, she said sure but she didn’t drink. To this I was happy, she had told me before hand but would of forgotten, now I knew she wasn’t lying to me then.
I asked her if she didn’t mind talking about herself, she said something which made sense to me, although she didn’t think it would.
It’s an act, this character she plays is different from the life she leads outside, so thus she doesn’t talk about the outside so that no bridge is built between the two. (not her words)
She plays a character she said, and she told me the person she is out there is different to the one in there.
I wanted to learn a little bit about her, but I respected the choice she made and we continued.
She led me into the back room, dark forbidding it seemed alien and hostile. I walked nervously down the hall. The booths looked more like changing rooms secluded only by a heavy red curtain. The light was dim, felt dark and secluded. Everything seemed a bit cramped. She led me to the last booth, sat me down, straight away I sat in the corner. She playfully asked me to move to the middle, as I did she began….
She looks at you, almost thru you, that same alluring glance that I’m pretty sure awards her popularity. I knew the reason I came here, I knew the reason I accepted this. I had to try and feel comfortable. She whispered to me while doing it, encouraging and reassuring me. I guess I was troubled. As she touched me I began shaking, as she rubbed up against that area I held my breath wondering what if she… I was scared of her, of her sexuality. Noticing my behaviour she asked if I was alright, I admitted I don’t usually let people touch me, she stopped asked if it was alright and I told her please do. This pain I felt was worse than slashing, far worst then anything I could have done to my mind. I forced myself to endure something that made me tremble with fear. I wanted to cry.
I tried my best to give her a smile here and there, in some pathetic attempt to encourage her. Finally, time was up, I moved over so she could sit down and dress herself. She was talking to me, but somehow it felt distant, I felt as if I was cowering in the corner broken. Abused. I finally managed to get a grip enough thank her before finally being lead out. Michael confirmed the time being a lot longer then his go with the other girl. I kept my eyes hidden from him. I finally decided I couldn’t take this and escaped to the toilet. I washed my face and glared angrily into the mirror. I wanted to kill that bastard.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m really fucked up.
When I was with her I tried to imagine being in a situation of equivalence in foreplay. It turned me on and scared the hell out of me, but unfortunately not in equal proportions. When she noticed certain things I was doing she was curious enough to ask me age, when I told her I was 19 she exclaimed with excitement she too was 19. So she’s the same age bracket.
I did cry, if only for a second before fighting it back I did cry. I washed my face to hide it and to try to get a grip.
When I left the sanctuary of the bathroom I found my friend waiting for me in the main area wanting to leave. Fatigue finally hitting in, the two of us exited the building and found the car. He asked me how it went, I told him the truth.
… I used to write like this. I used to think like this. A world away now.